to the last 7 years

i learned how to be apathetic, to care for no one but yourself, to ignore change, to take what matters most for granted, to forget and to be really unhappy. i learned how to love, to be in love, to give all you can give, to be more patient and understanding, to listen and shut up, to lower my pride (way way down), to forgive, to let go.

i learned that some friendship can survive unimaginable disasters and some end over very simple and little disagreements.

i learned that i am not special, important and popular as much as i thought i was. i learned that i cannot give and not expect anything in return. i ask for recognition, appreciation and attention. i learned to be more stupid, to listen to what my heart feels over what my head thinks. i learned to look past the surface and accept people for what they are truly worth. but there are people who act out of how they think people see them and end up denying the person they can be. i learned that despite of all self-worth and confidence i acquired, i still care of what other people think. i learned that "firsts" (first kiss, first commitment and relationship, first hurt, etc.) are overrated. waiting and "saving" them is a waste of time. once you feel it's right time, go for it. i learned that love is blind and stupid, but it cannot conquer all.

george and justine's wedding

i only have 5 things to say about their wedding: 1. it was the kind of wedding that would make you wish you're getting married too, soon! 2. the church, the place, the bride and groom, the wedding, they were all beautiful and perfect 3. george, i'm hiring your brother as photographer to my own wedding 4. it is the best wedding i've ever been to 5. i believe now that love could lift you to places, make you happier than you've ever imagined, and is really a very beautiful thing that is one of God's greatest blessings. to george and justine, we wish you a happy and beautiful marriage, and (as dennis said) an exciting honeymoon. i hope El Nido was perfect. we'll be waiting for the wedding pictures. i'm so excited to see them na! anyway, we'll stalk your site muna. :)

such a happy couple. i love this picture. sobrang sweet and pretty. sorry for the low res and blur. i was using lang my phone camera and naka-zoom lang sya.

ang mga babae sa buhay ni george, his barkada. of course, we also have to be pretty. kami ang nagpaingay sa henyong iyan.

ang mga lalaki ni george... hihih! joke! ang mga abay. ang mga laiterong gwapo sa pic na ito. sa pic lang na ito..

evaluating the gamer in me

my ultimate goal in life (yes, ultimate) is to be a great homemaker. and since i'm not getting any younger, i've been seriously considering the right (not to mention, the one which could possibly make me obscenely wealthy) career path i should take. i've been in the mobile "game"development industry for almost 2.5 years now. before i joined ContentDev, i have never imagined calling myself a gamer. sure i play games. but i was never a fanatic. now, i can't seem to stop... playing...!!! to be honest, if i could only be totally apathetic about corporate politics, then my current job would be perfect. anyway, now i can't imagine doing anything else. system/applications/web development, system administration, sms applications dev't, gateway, etc, etc.. these other IT paths can't seem to spark my interest anymore. i want to do GAMES!!! but now i'm thinking if doing games would be right for me. di naman porke gusto mo, tama na di ba? so here i am, trying to evaluate if i'm "gamer" enough, before i invest myself in this industry. definitely, there is a great number of other people who are better suited for the job. but i don't care about them, gusto ko lang malaman kung papasa din ako. so if our scale is: (UP ako e, kaya ganyan ang grading)

• 1 - i can totally kick your ass if i want to
• 2 - i'm really good, i can be great
• 3 - i can do it, but it won't be the best way to do it
• 4 - i need practice!!!... ok fine, bonus ako!
• 5 - why the hell did i even bother playing this game?!?!?!

here we go... First Person Shooting (FPS) Games - 2 i've played CounterStrike, Unreal Tournament 2004, BattleField, Call of Duty and btw, i don't hide in a corner and snipe people Real-Time Strategy (RTS) Games - 4 well, i've only tried Warcraft FT. and we played for 2 weeks only (because we discovered dota after). kaya ko siguro yun kung naglaro pa kami ng mas matagal!!! hehe! but i really sucked at that. :P Role-Playing Games (RPG) - 3 i've played Castlevania and tried Khan Online, WoW and Tantra. i found MMORPGs kinda boring though. Almost finished Castlevania.. got bored with the last boss. i don't suck at playing them but i'm not crazy about them either. Racing Games - 4 when i play daytona in the arcade, i do really well. but if i play PC/console-based racing games like Gran Turismo, Need for Speed, etc... i really suck. i just can't drive using the joystick or arrow keys. Defense of the Ancients (DOTA) - 1!!! i really don't know in which category DOTA belongs to. it's a mix of RPG and RTS. but anyway, i've been playing this for over a year now. i improved slowly but i think i'm doing really well now. i can really kick your ass if i want to... and er, if i have a manageable character. so from these, i think it's safe to say i'm an average game player. mejo low-end pa nga ata e. so should i be worried? should i accept that maybe game development is not the right path for me? or should i just stop working all together and marry an old, dying, rich man???

bold move?

everything around me seems to change too fast that i can't decide if i'll accept them or not. apparently, i'm the only one stuck in this world that i used to share with a lot of people, those who i love most. village ba, kamo?? i just can't keep up. and now, all that has become of my life seems to be... worthless... nonsense. game over. i need to start a new life. i need to start fresh. and to do that, i think i have to go far, far away. i need to forget the old routines, untie strings and let go. sounds like a plan, di ba? but how the hell am i going to do all of these?!?! it's really harder than you think... especially if you've always feared being alone. hindi ko ata kaya e, pero kelangang gawin...

sick update

i dont have typhoid fever, but apparently, i have typhi viruses... something like 3 out of 6, i think? and i also have low WBC. they said, i was about to have typhoid fever but my WBC produced enough antibodies to fight it off before it even sets in. is that even possible??? anyway, they discovered i have too much sugar in my body, it being present in the results of my urinalysis. and i also have high uric acid. so much for gaining back my appetite, i still cant eat much of the food i like. i cant eat sweet and salty food. no teriyaki, no apple juice, no choco bars, no junkfood, no mushrooms, no potato (ergo, no fries), nuts (no cornbits!!!), and everything else. i also have to overdose myself with water. i now drink about 2 liters a day and pee every 15mins. hassle! so what can i eat? i went to ministop yesterday, spent about 10 mins thinking of what i should get, and ended up getting dried mango chips. when i went back to the office, they told me it may be too sweet for me. well fuck diet, i am eating it. i'm pretty sure i wont get diabetes naman, at least not anytime in the near future. it's one thing that does not run in the family. anyway, the i'm about done with my medication (which i don't know what for). tomorrow, i'll go to the clinic and have blood and urine tests again, just to make sure they say. Just to make sure what really is wrong with me.

sick

i've been sick since Wednesday night and it really sucks. i have never felt this bad before and i missed on a lot since i've been stuck in the house the whole time. i came to work today just to get a checkup. they are testing me for typhoid fever. i still have to come back tomorrow for the lab results and decide whether i'll put myself in the hospital or not. eating food makes me wanna hurl. therefore, i live on water, iced tea and soup for the last 5 days. imagine how weak and lousy i feel. i can't even drink any alcohol in the last two parties i went to. boo! anyway, just want to say belated happy birthday to steve, jae and becca. sorry for missing your parties guys! bawi ako next time! hope you had a great one!:)

sige na nga... Tagged! din...

So ET tagged me... i don't usually do this kind of stuff pero since i dont want my blog to feel neglected and i really dont have anything to write about, then ito na nga lang... Write 20 random facts about yourself then tag the same amount of people as minutes it takes you to write the facts. Here goes: 1. i do want to be a housewife. 2. i'm in a crisis right now. 3. i feel fat... but i can't stop eating. 4. sometimes, i wish that i could just stop caring of what other people think. 5. i know a lot of things, but i don't excel at anything. 6. priorities: family, friends, relatives. in that order. 7. i hate fighting with my parents. 8. i can't decide if i should cut my hair or grow it long. 9. i miss my old friends. 10. i prefer to be taken care of, than to take care of someone, but that's not how it goes in real life 11. i can always go back to high school and repeat the whole process 12. i almost believed that "Friends" and "House" were real. 13. i love watching movies, and i do want to watch them with someone special. 14. i'm attracted to guys who has nice chest (not breast!) 15. i love hugs and holding hands. 16. i find it hard to say "i love you" to people i love most. 17 . i am conservative and old-fashioned, really... 18. i like blogging, but i can't write. 19. kinikilig ako habang sinusulat ko to... :D 20. i am complicated. ok, so i have to tag 11 people. apparently, it's not that easy to think of "random" thoughts/facts about you. i am tagging YOU whoever is reading this blog right now. Please? =]

this angel has flown

there are times, when i'm lying in my bed how i bellowed and cried from this stupid get and my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day always rubbed down, swelling, as i keep on digging my face on this cold hands of mine heaven knows how embittered i am coz this angel has flown away from me leaving me in drunken misery i should have clipped her wings and made her mine for all eternity now this angel has flown away from me thought i had the strength to set her free i did what i did because i love her so will she ever find her way back home to me i'm so tired, i feel like catching forty-winks being up all night in this elbow room that puts me in trance where hopes and dreams come true now my lips are burning and my eyes are hurting from these fumes i make, still i light another cigarette just to pass my time, oh heaven knows how embittered i am -- "Heaven Knows (This Angel Has Flown)" by Orange and Lemons sigh, help me.

EskiBar!

Trying to be not madrama anymore.. as requested.. :p As you might know, i just came back from Singapore. Fortunately, even if i travelled alone, i met two of my former collegues there, Mark and Je, and so i was not so lonely after all! :P Friday night, the three of us with our trainor from Forum Nokia, Nitin, went out to Clark Quay to go to bar-hopping and "see some sights". My favorite bar of all was the EskiBar! It was like finding my own heaven. As you may know, i like it really cold and the 8 degrees Celsius temperature in the bar was perfect! I was wearing a sleeveless shirt when we entered. Therefore, i was able to take all that for only 20 minutes, and after that, i have to ask for my jacket (which was with Mark. hehe!). Good thing though, the crew has a stash of (really thick) jackets which they can lend to those who come unprepared. Anyway, we only lasted there for like 45 minutes because the guys are really feeling cold. And i think there's not much to see in a lounge bar. So we went off bar-hopping again to where there are "sights" to see. But for me, none of those compared to the EskiBar so i won't even bother talk about that. I shall leave you, instead, with some pictures of ours that night. I shall put up my own EskiBar here. Any angel investors out there? :)

This is the bar at the EskiBar. Just a big chunk of ice! Shaky picture courtesy of Mark. hehe!

Inside the giant freezer!!

Me, Nitin and Je. Now this is taken with Mark's Sony Ericsson K750. Much better right?

Mark, me and Nitin. Photoshopped by Mark as the original photo is very dark. Nokia phone sucks! hehe!

i'm leaving on a jet plane

I'm off to Singapore tomorrow to attend another one of Nokia's training. This is my 3rd time in Singapore and 5th time to leave the country, but for some reason i feel extra sad and nostalgic about this trip. I don't know why... i hope this is not one of those premonitions. S**t! Please pray for me... not only for my safety but also for a cure to my loneliness. Kasi naman e, why can't you come see me off?

new look

i was just really getting bored with my template. this is not so great din... i have to get my customized template na talaga. hehe! volunteers naman! :D

one-minute post

...para naman my blog won't feel so bad. i'm sorry blog!! Got this from Vida's blog. Anyway, i miss getting drunk and have someone take care of you (para naman may kilig sa buhay ko kahit di ko masyado maalala, hihi!). Yuck, i don't even like bloody mary! But i think everything else was right. hehe!

You Are a Bloody Mary

You're a fairly serious drinker, who's experimented a lot with different drinks. You're a drunk, but a stable drunk. You don't ever let your drinking get out of control.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

apologies

for those who checked my blog the past few days and haven't seen anything new or interesting... sorry, but i am cramming!! as always, i still can't get rid of this habit i've "learned" since high school. my project is due in 2 weeks and i still have 3 big modules to finish! Vote now! Will i finish it on time, Y/N? Eh kasi naman, i can't work on it during "work hours". no, not your fault ok? i have yet to learn effective time management. it seems that all i do during the weekdays are powerpoint presentations...... pwe! ------------------------------- anyway, if you were asking me for a copy of the rent songs, i've uploaded it in yousendit na lang. check the comments on my previous blog for the link na lang. (sorry, i'm so tinatamad! :D) and if you're sick of hearing me rant on Rent, then skip this section. (if you skipped it, you shouldn't be reading this) Rent the movie got a new trailer na!!! Ok fine, i'll look for the link uli and post it here. if you're sinisipag yourself, hanapin mo na lang from the rent site. hehe! :D -------------------------------- for i won't probably blog again for the next week. so don't bother checking. :D -------------------------------- for this nonsense blog. i just want to "update". enjoy the week guys! :D

Rent Again!

I can't wait for Rent! Trying to appreciate the songs from my copy of Rent's original recording, i've searched the net for a decent synopsis of the play. And i found the perfect one here (i have to warn you though of the site's horrible color scheme). Now, i listen to the whole soundtrack (with 42 songs) at least 3x a day! I wear earphones so don't be too sad for cube neighbors. ;) My favorite character is Angel, a very caring and kind screaming fag. He is so gay! I love his and his boyfriend's, Collins, duets. I'm sorry, am i alienating you with this talk? Wanna be able to relate? I'm sharing some of the songs in my yahoo briefcase. If you want access, just tell me. :D

forget regret, for life is yours to miss...

july 1995 - could have said what i mean a lot better and clearer november 1996- if only i didn't say no march 1998 - if only i said yes april 1999 - could have slapped you in the face and told you "what are still waiting for?" december 1999 - coz there was someone else in my mind february 2002 - if i settled for what you can offer january 2004 - if i did not end it now, if only we have more in common... no regrets, just lots of what if's...

ok, i give up!

i'm supposed to be rendering OT right now. and though i'm still stuck here in the office, alone, at this time, i haven't really been working. (heck, look, i'm blogging!) when it comes to programming, my brain is most effective between 9pm to 4am. too bad, our clients are not based on the other side of the world. anyway, that's why i'm here, trying to get some work done. it had been a while since i've rendered OT. not because i have nothing to do, but because there's nothing worth getting tired for. geeky as it may sound, i love programming. i love to challenge myself and see how far i can figure things out. but eversince i've started taking on PM work, i haven't got enough time to develop. dont get me wrong, i also like doing PM work... but it's not enough to "inspire" me to go to work. every morning, i have to drag myself just to get here. and i come here only looking forward to playing DOTA at the end of the day. i've assigned a project to myself, half-hoping i could save my "interests". but now that i'm done with the "challenging" (read: new stuff) parts, i'm getting bored again. and this is NOT the time to get bored, my project is due in 3 weeks! so now, i'm seriously doubting the career path i chose. however, this is the only thing i can do. i am not musically inclined, i'm not artistic... i can cook but my cooking is not exceptional... and to say that you dance for a living wouldnt sound so nice. only if i could make a living from eating, watching movies, videoke or playing video games...

five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes... how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

They are making it to a movie! (At para kay mark, ayan, i'm linking it na. :p)I've never seen it on stage so i'm hoping the movie version will do it justice. After all, most of the original cast will be in the movie too. Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Moments So Dear Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes How Do you Measure - Measure A Year ? In Daylights In Sunsets In Midnights In Cups Of Coffee In Inches In Miles In Laughter In Strife In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes How Do You Measure A Year In The Life How About Love ? Seasons Of Love Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Journeys To Plan Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes How Do You Measure The Life Of A Woman Or A Man ? In Truths That She Learned Or In Times That He Cried In Bridges He Burned Or The Way That She Died It's Time Now To Sing out Tho` The Story Never Ends Let's Celebrate Remember A Year In The Life of Friends Remember The Love Measure In Love Measure Measure Your Life In Love Seasons Of Love ... - Rent

this could be a little freaky...

... but do you ever think about how you want to die? i've always hoped that when i die, i'll die young, meaning young enough to NOT have my own children yet. and if by some miracle, i finally have my own family, i hope that i'll die old enough to see my kids grow and have their own families. if you know me, you'll know my greatest dream is to be a home maker. and probably, it's because my mom was a plain good housewife and the 3 of us grew (well, you could make your own conclusion) loved, disciplined, independent and able to make our own decisions. and you can yell, "what the f***?! are you crazy?!" now, but i still want my kids to be just like me. i also want to die pretty... meaning when i die, i don't want to be burned, mutilated, bloated or any part of my body separated from the rest. maybe it would be great to die of natural causes, but that means i have to be really old. so if i have to die young, maybe a heart attack or something fast will be best. and i want to know when i'll die. i want to be prepared. i want to pick the clothes i'll wear in my funeral. i want to pick the flowers. i want to say goodbye. i want to apologize to people i've hurt. i want to say i love you to the people i love. and when i die, i want to be cremated, not buried. i'm not afraid to die. but i am really afraid of not knowing how i am going to die.

last week...

...was a sad week.

will someone do me a big favor?

... and make a new blog template customized just for me? :D I'm really bored with this template. sigh... :(

the story of a girl

I...

• am fickle-minded.
• love my work.

but i... hate my company.

• know I’m good in what I’m doing
• love to cook.
• am attracted to guys who can cook.

but i…could be a better cook.

• love the color yellow.
• love flowers and butterflies (especially when they are a mix of red and yellow).
• love receiving flowers.

but i… don't like red roses.

• like the full moon.
• like to look at the stars.

but i… don’t like the dark.

• like my hand/s to be held by people i love.
• love being hugged and to hug.
• love it when someone calls me "my friend".
• love it when someone tells me "i love you" (even if i may laugh a bit after hearing that... :D)

but i… find it hard to say “I love you”.

• love to be loved and to love.
• love to be committed to someone.

but i… would always choose my friends over "my guy", if i have to choose.

• am conservative and old-fashioned most of the time.
• believe in courtship.
• love "haranas".

and i… will never make the first move.

• like to take care of people (mother-hen tendencies).

and i… love to be taken care of.

• am competitive.
• am not used to not have it my way when i'm dealing with a guy.

but i… will yield to someone i love.

• always try to please people.

but i… will never "kiss-ass".

• find it hard not to care when i do bad things.

but i… can really be bitch.

• will never start a fight.

but i… wish i could slap somebody and kick a guy's groin (hihih!).

• am complicated.

and definitely there's no other word which can describe me best.

hataw na!

i really miss dancing. i miss the attention, the praises, the fans, the cheers, the great performances and the admirers. ;) The adrenaline rush, the aching muscles, the broken ankle, lots of bengay, the sweat, and having an excuse to wear something really weird.. paired with the weird hairdo and make-up! Hehe! And you know what i miss most..., eating like a growing boy, those sweets, hi-carb and hi-calorie food... and not gain even a quarter of a pound! Tsk! I wonder when i can be like that again... :( Of course, i miss the unexpected perks, like staying in the room with True Faith, to be invited to perform in some event and be paid for it, and the 30000 pesos prize money that we won from the Bayle competitions (by YFC). Imagine doing something you really love and not expect to gain from it, and yet great things still come your way.

This Bayle pic was taken after our GREAT performance. hehe! you may recognize faye, of course, justine's soon to be husband, george and our housemate lorie, who some people, like alekos may recognize. hihi!

This is our last dance gig. Ooohh i forgot, i miss doing weird (kuno, angas) pics also! :p

I don't want to dance because of the money or fame i could get from it. I dance to make my soul happy. Somehow, i draw a great sense of contentment just from being able to do the steps and to, (which i know i can really do), dance gracefully. Kaya, kung may alam kayong dance class or something, sabihan nyo ako. hehe!

He's here!

The much awaited baby of Mark and Hannah is finally here. And I can't get enough of him. Now, if only i have a boyfriend, i'll ask him to marry me now so i can get one like this. >:]

anticipation

I can't wait for Han and Mark's baby! It's going to happen later or tomorrow (deadline na bukas di ba?). Take care you guys! i love you! mark, dont forget to call me ASAP, ok? :P Update: (june 30, 11am) I just called mark and he said they are on their way to the hospital. I'm so excited i cannot work anymore. i'm thinking of how i'm going to get there and calling people who can go with me. Please pray for Han and Baby Samuel for a safe delivery. :D

two lies and a truth

A. Trivias 1. I get involved with at least one guy every year since 1st year high school. 2. I had a fling with a guy i just met when i was in Phuket, Thailand. 3. I'm attracted to boys pretending to be men. B. On falling 1. The first time i fell was with a guy in college who can't love me back. 2. I had my first kiss before my first boyfriend. 3. I am currently "in love". C. On "letting go" 1. I regret "losing" the guys who loved me during high school. 2. I broke up with my ex because my friends did not approve of him. 3. The only way i can get over a guy is to meet a new guy. Great game, guys. And it was especially good with the booze. I'm recommending it to all my drinking buddies. Hehe! Anyway, I posted this not for you to guess which ones are true. I just want to bond with you! More or less you'll learn something new about me with this blog, right? Just keep your guesses to yourself, ok? :)

i'm fine

nagpapakaramdam lang. masyado nang matagal since i last updated and checked my friends' blogs. buhay pa ko. and forget about the past blogs, i'm fine na. :)

blah!

i know i know, my recent posts have been ma-drama. Just can't get this heavy quarter-life shit off my back. And this post may really be still ma-drama. Things have been so messed up at work, it's growing unto me. One of my office friends told me how it's just work and it shouldn't be stressing me as much. But all i can think about is how to keep this team together even when everybody's been demotivated... even me. I wish i have some love life to talk about like Jam. Hihi..! Now i know that can be pretty stressful but that's good stress! blah! (and for the nth time Movids, i'm not dating Pedro, ok? Get over it... :p) how do you separate the place from the people? during the last days of high school, i often said how i'll miss pisay so much. and Mark would say he'll miss the people, and not really pisay. i agreed. but every time i visit pisay, how come it still smells like home? i learned to love my teammates at work. but now with 2/3 of the team already gone, things have never been the same. we died. and here i am, trying to raise the dead! what is wrong with me?! i know i had to, but it's been so hard to move on. I just really hate it when people touch and go. and oh yeah, my punctuality is being questioned. well, i really don't know what's the question for when "punctual" does not even apply to me at work. they want me to come before 9am when like right now, it's 2am and i'm still in this shit hole. sigh, how do you become a morning person? If only i have a technical boss... I am on my way down the "wheel of life". I just want to know when i'll start going up again...

i'm changing my life

Somewhere along the way, i lost my sense of purpose. I have no place to go, and no deadlines to meet. And now that i've acknowledged that i temporarily have no worth in this world, i decided to change my life. Sometimes i scare myself...

fears --> topic list #2

Don't you sometimes think that kids are much braver than adults? You see, during my younger days, i never learned to do cartwheels nor to swim. I was too afraid to bump my head or drown. It's crazy, but these are two of the things i feel necessary to know in this life. And it seems that as i get older, my used-to-be minimal fears keeps growing (like fear of heights, rats, etc). I admit it, i'm a grown-up coward. And i need a cure for it. Of course, rats or bumping of my head would be the least frightening in my list. My greatest fear is brought about my selfishness and vanity. Just thinking of the possibility it could happen throws me deep down the hole of depression. And I'm so sad because of the things that are happening in my life right now, the chance it might happen just grows bigger. As much as i want to, i can never say nor talk about my greatest fear. The effect of doing so would be like going back to the past and changing something, even a minor detail.

tama yan, mag-aral kang mag-drive

So for the past weeks, i've been asking some of my friends to set me up on a blind date. (in case you wanna ask, i just want to MEET new people. not yet interested in a relationship, probably til June. hehe!) So a few nights ago, my friend Lorie asked me if it'll be ok for me to date her boyfriend's friend named Pedro (i was instantly interested because of his name. I mean, may tao palang Pedro ang pangalan sa totoong buhay?!) She went on saying how handsome Pedro is and how he's got a great body. But then she said, "kaso lang, wala syang kotse". Just to let you guys know, i still said ok (pero di pa natutuloy yung date and i doubt my friend took me seriously. hehe!), kahit na wala syang kotse and hindi porke gwapo at maganda DAW ang katawan nya. Puede naman kasi kaming mag-taxi di ba? :D

jae, jam and others...

di ko pa rin gets sino si "patty laurel". sino na kasi?!

random thoughts

i miss blogging. i meant to catch up soon, but i just have no time. or when i start to write something, it always ends up as a draft. i just want you guys to know i'm still stalking your blogs up to a certain level. don't even have the time to comment! argh!! btw jam, definitely a 6230, just in case you haven't gotten it yet. :) ----------- blog topics list: 1. my birthday celeb (one month later...) 2. fears 3. tribute to the greatest team ----------- what's on my mind (for the past weeks): "if you don't move on, the rest of the world will..." ----------- farewell to my friends thought i'd leave you all behind my time is running and i'm about to lose my mind again now and then, i tremble all over but i wont carry the load upon my shoulder but i know this could all be over if only i could open my eyes is it loneliness? maybe emptyness.. maybe melancholy.. have a piece of this... - Piece of this by POT

my simple wish

i just want to see you..

talaga ba?

... one week na lang, tatanda na uli ako. i'm turning 24. i don't think i deserve to be 24 years old yet. kahit na pakiramdam ko mature na ako mag-isip, feeling ko masyado pa rin ako batang mag-isip to be 24. i have always thought that when i turn 24, i'll have and be able to accomplish almost everything that i wanted in my life. oh well... edad lang naman yan di ba? inisip ko dati, i'll get married at the age of 26. pero naisip ko rin i'll have my first boyfriend at 16. hmm.. first boyfriend came 5 years later than expected. syet, i hope i get married before i turn 30. :( haay... why is this a big deal? di ko rin alam e. pasiyahin nyo na lang ako sa birthday ko ha? i expect gifts and flowers. hehe! basta bisitahin nyo lang ako. ;) ------------- i plan to have someone sing this song during my wedding... sana lang i get to have a wedding.. :p It's not the flowers, wrapped in fancy paper it's not the ring, i wear around my finger There's nothing in all the world i need when i have you here beside me, here beside me

so you could give me wings to fly and catch me if i fall or pull the stars down from the sky so i could wish on them all but i couldnt ask for more cuz your love is the greatest gift of all

in your arms, i found a strength inside me and in your eyes there's a light to guide me i would be lost with out you and all that my heart could ever want has come true

you could offer me the sun, the moon and i would still believe you gave me everything when you gave your heart to me

-- Jim Brickman's "Your Love" sana di sya magasgas bago ako ikasal. :)

yeah, it confused me!

kung sinabi mo noon ako'y iyong mahal di sana ay tayo na ang nagkatuluyan at kung sinabi ko noon ikaw ang mahal ko ito'y tapat at may dalang walang hanggang pangako ngunit di nagkatotoo may iba kang nakita kaya't nakapagtataka ba't ako'y hinahanap mo pa kung tayo'y magkikita muli pwede bang magtanong sayo ang tibok ba ng puso mo'y nagbago kung sinabi mo noon ikay may pagtingin di sana ay wala ng makakapaghadlang sa atin nung sinabi ko noon na ikaw lang ang mahal ang nasa isip ko ito'y magtatagal ngunit di nagkatotoo may iba kang nakita kayat nakapagtataka bat ako'y hinahanap mo pa kung tayo'y magkikita muli pwede bang magtanong sayo ang tibok ba ng puso mo'y nagbago -Tibok ng Puso by MYMP

my celebrity weekends

i spent the last two weekends with my high school friends. But as much as i want to share my stories, i'm too lazy to write. So i would just refer you to jae's blog. Hehe! So presenting... my Valentine Weekend with Asunta and Jules and pre-pre-birthday celebration with Cynthia Alexander. Enjoy talaga! :)

long due pre-valentine post

Note to Faye and George: since kayo lang ang mga barkada ko nung college who read this blog, wag nyo to paalam sa iba ha. :p Yes, it's February, meaning only one more month till my birthday. When i was in high school, Feb means prom and school fair; during college, it means basketball championship and BAYLE! But always, February means Valentines. Hehe! I don't know why it affects me this year. And by "affect", i don't mean i'm sad, frustrated or lonely. It just makes me feel a little nostalgic, about my so called lovelife... For most of my blog readers, you might know that i had only one boyfriend (ex-bf now). But did you know that there were 2 more people who came close? One is now my bestfriend who is now married (hehe! :)), and the other one is the best and worst manliligaw i ever had. The second one is the frustration of my life. Why? :D I met him in Kalayaan Dorm, UP Diliman back when we were still in first year college. We belonged to the same "barkada" and when we got to be classmates during the 2nd semester, we got closer. The closer we got, my crush on him grew. Imagine my surprise and kilig when i learned this crush of mine had a crush on me too! :D He "declared" he liked me on my 18th birthday by giving me flowers. I thought the flowers came from the whole barkada until i read the card. But that really wasn't the clue (i usually don't give meaning to that kind of gesture, it's my birthday after all!). He gave me a bouquet of mums; red, purple, yellow-red and sunny yellow. The yellow flowers were in the middle and surrounded by the other colored flowers. When you look at it from the top, the yellow flowers were arranged such that they form a heart shape. Haha! Baduy, yes! But i found it really sweet! :p And so that was the first great thing that he did as i am a sucker for yellow colored things and flowers (yellow flowers are the best!). The rest of the year and summer were great, but things kinda ended changed when the next school year arrived. We separated dorms in 2nd year. You know the saying how distance should make the heart grow fonder? I'm really not sure if that is his motto... but since then, he rarely visited or called and we rarely talked. He became the true blue "kabuteng manliligaw". When we meet on occasions, it seems as if nothing awkward happened between us. We talk and he's sweet towards me. And for three weeks after that meeting, he visits, text and we spend time together. But after those three weeks, he'll be gone. We'll have no contact until an occasion where we'll meet arrives. And the cycle goes on... we meet, he's there... 3 weeks later he's gone. It went on for years... 5 years to be exact! Haha! Still don't know why i'm frustrated? Well, it's because i have always liked this guy and whenever we meet, i always almost fall for him. It's frustrating to be left hanging. And as i said a while ago, he was my best manliligaw too. Hinarana nya ako... twice! And he's the only manliligaw i had who did that. The first time was the best. That morning, i had a Nat.Sci. exam. When i stood up to pass my finished exam, one of our kabarkada (and classmate in that subject) asked me to wait for him. But a few minutes later, he suddenly left without waiting for me. As i exited our classroom and thinking of ways how to punish that classmate of mine for leaving me, I saw him walking towards me. I was really surprised to see him... we don't meet when there's no occasion right? We chatted and he walked me out of the building. But just before we got to the door, i heard the guitar play and some guys started to sing. They were his guy friends and among them was my classmate who left me. One of them handed him a bouquet of peach roses and he gave them to me. While he sang with them (Don't Know What To Do and Loving You), he was holding my hand. Buti na lang, coz I almost melted... hehe! :p After the harana, he walked me back to my dorm. I didn't get to go to my next class and i can't wipe the silly smile off my face for the rest of the day, sobrang kilig e! Haha! But just like any occasion, after 3 or so weeks, he was gone. Sigh... The cycle went on for the rest of my college life... even up to early last year. People usually ask me, "bat hindi naging kami?" If you were me, sasagutin mo ba sya? And yes, the cycle stopped, he stopped... because he already got himself a girlfriend. Even though i don't like him that much now, i can't help but think that what he did to me was unfair. It was unfair that he let me spend almost 5 years waiting for him. Sayang noh... he's the almost right guy pa naman. But that's ok, hindi naman ako bitter e. I just want to share my story. Hehe! Hay... sana i get a date this Valentine's. :)

----- Update:

• I saw him last Thursday. And i met his girlfriend that same night. Hehe!
• I had a friendly date last Valentine's. Yey! Thanks to ivan! :D

worst day

This got to be the worst day of my life.

6 AM: Maling maling maling gising…Bad trip.

7 AM: Had the worst fight with my parents.

7.15 AM: Scandal in the driveway of Shangri-La.

9 AM: Ugly pantry guy refuses to let me have brewed coffee and offers instant decaf instead.

10 AM: That epal guy is at it again!

11.30 AM: Didn’t get to work on my program because of meetings and emails.

1.30 PM: Had a frickin’ headache due to lack of sleep.

2 PM: Ugly finance pakialamera girl is being a lola again.

3.30 PM: Remembered I hadn’t worked on my program!!! Darn!

4:30 PM: One more job added to my work queue.

Highlight/Best part of the day: Lunch with Jam! (Yey! Thanks jam!)

I think I’ll sleep early today... or not really...

thank you everyone!

thanks!!! thanks frank for the simulator. thank you to all who prayed for me. (alam ko mejo mababa, pero ok na sa akin yan. now i can be a sun certified java programmer/housewife!) hehe! ;)

Last Saturday, just a few minutes before 10pm, i got a call from Novis. His first words were, "Che, have you heard about Abs?". Just that morning, Faye told me the news that Abs was diagnosed with leukemia. And so when Novis called, the thing that came to my mind was the same thing i told Faye that morning, "Kelangan nya ba ng donors? Baka i can ask my officemates." I never expected and was not prepared for the news, "he passed away 20 minutes ago." I know Marvin Abing for about 10 years now, but i have never been close to him and we rarely spoke to each other. The only thing i can remember is his sweet smile, and the only memorable moment i spent with him was lunch at big buddha a few months ago with other "pisay-makati people". The last time i saw him was when i ran into him and Allan Vistan in GB3, just a few weeks after our lunchout. Nevertheless, i was greatly affected by his death. I hate funerals and i am terrified to look at the person behind THAT glass, but i know i'll be there at his wake. I thought i was preparing myself when i picture seeing him in a casket, many times before we got there. But just a glimpse at him overpowered my resolve and i can't help crying. My brain has accepted the fact; being there made it real. The reality hit me hard, he is really gone. Though i know that death is part of life, I just can't accept that people i know die. For Marvin's family and close friends, i can only imagine the hurt that they feel. I pray that everyone who loved him will get through this. Marvin, i am really sorry that i didn't get to be your "friend". But i will never forget you. I know that you are in a better place now. May you rest in peace.

cold

i have never been depressed like this... and never felt so alone like this. why is there no reset button in life? i wish i could go back in time where all i have lost are still with me. i know, don't we all do?