well...

what's taking you so long?

belated happy birthday, sakura minds speaks!

bah! i was waiting for it all june and then i totally missed it! early last month i realized this blog was turning five and i've been waiting for that day to blog and celebrate it. but then a lot of things happened in life and i completely forgot about it. oh well, they always say it's better late than never... so to celebrate this blog's 5th birthday (last June 29), i thought i'd pick out some of my favorite posts, one from each year. click on the title to the see the original blog post. :) 1. nostalgic attack (July 6, 2004) i love love high school. even now, i still think high school were some of the best years of my life. i don't think i'll be the person i am today if my father had not been adamant 15 years ago that i study in pisay. i like this post a lot because one, it was one of the first blogs i posted and so it has some sentimental value. and two, whenever i read it, it never fails to make me smile and make me nostalgic. so for my high school friends who'll be looking into it, i hope it transports you back to the mid-90s too. 2. to the last 7 years (Dec 21, 2005) i have actually forgotten about this one. i just rediscovered it when i was browsing through old posts to see which would make it to this blog. i know i've written a lot of "self-evaluation" blogs over the years. but i particularly like this one because with the other (similar) blogs, i just basically write about what i already know of myself. but this one was about the things that i did not know about me until i thought deeply about it in order to write it (in the blog!). i hope you understand the difference. one of the things that i still have not learned is to communicate better. hehe! 3. faboulously single (Oct 3, 2006) actually i just wanted to re-share this one. because until now, almost 3 years later, i still feel the very same way! most of my best girl friends are already married and most of the very few single ones left are out of the country. i have a lot of single guy friends but as i much as i love them (and i know they care about me too), nothing beats some serious girl time. 4. the trip so far (Jul 8, 2007) my trip to Oslo was really special. it was my first time in Europe and Oslo is a really charming place to be in. thinking back now, it seems very unreal and i feel like i was in a magical place then. i was also away for a month in a foreign land, and during those times i have learned how to survive loneliness and deal with problems on my own, since i had very limited access to my friends and support system. 5. drunken post (Jun 11, 2008) i tried to drunk-post several times again after this one. but i always end up falling asleep before i can finish the post. and though there's always a draft saved, once you look at it when you're sober, it's not the same and not worth posting anymore. so i like this post, even if it does not really make much sense, because it made it to publishing! and drunk-posting is also fun. most of the time i still have enough sense in me to edit some things, but at the same time i always feel bolder to say what's in my mind. it's also liberating because i just immediately write about whatever it is that pops in my head. and it's okay if it does not make sense because you can always use the excuse that you were drunk when you posted it. :D lastly, the content of this blog (movie test for the movie buff in you - May 29, 2006) does not really mean much, but it's worth mentioning because i think it's the one that got the most comments. and i still like playing this game. so this is my birthday gift to sakura mind speaks. and as how blog commenting became "obsolete" when RSS feeds and google reader became popular, i just hope this blog would still survive despite Twitter and Plurk being born. if not, at the very least, it would always be great to have something where i can look back and remind me of the experiences i've had and shared.

adventures of a first-time driver

so i've been taking driving lessons these past 3 days and i'm already halfway through the "course". my decision to seriously learn how to drive was a bit spontaneous. i decided last Monday to take a leave on Thursday, to get my student permit (and do some errands). that day also, i enrolled in a driving school and my first lesson was last Saturday. see, you get things done when you decide to do them the last minute. anyway, i'll say this is really my first time to drive. back in college, my friend Vincent tried to teach me using his Volkswagen, and i would argue that that is not counted. we would only drive in UP for about 500m and i don't think i went past 20kph nor first gear. now the accelerator of the VW was "high" that i'd need to step on it almost halfway through before it would start moving. so i was quite surprised when i tried driving another car, which unfortunately was Hombre's car. :D it just happened once, we were in Pisay and i almost killed someone from Batch 97 in the volleyball court/parking lot. i wasn't really taught how to break properly (nuninu...) so the only thing that stopped me (or the car) was the engine dying. that is actually the last time i was in the driver seat too. i was sort of traumatized and scared for almost hitting someone (yes, i have a conscience too). and i'm sure i scared Hombre and Cris (who i think was also in the car) too since they wouldn't stop shouting and cursing. (i'm so so sorry!) now i have learned my lesson and gotten over the experience. and i have decided that maybe the best way to learn is to pay someone 700 an hour to "lend" me his car and teach me to drive without shouting regardless of what mistake i do. and so far:

• first day: i learned to be very good with the brake this time. i still find the gas pedal too sensitive though so i believe i wasted too much gas. engine died on me twice in about 20 times i have to start from a stopped position.
• second day: i sorta learned to park backwards. not sure if i can do it without the instructor though. hehe! engine died on me thrice in about 40+ attempts but i still use too much gas when i'm starting.
• third day: i spent about 30 minutes getting out of ayala avenue. engine died on me twice also but considering that i had to drive through heavy traffic (with many many stops), that's already an improvement. i don't think i wasted as much gas as yesterday but it was still a bit excessive. i was taught to do a U-turn via 2-point turn and 3-point turn. he also taught me to move from a hanging position, but i don't really think i really learned that. the unfortunate event is he had to pull the handbrake on me twice. :( first time was somewhere in ayala, when a bus moved to my lane (it's hard to gauge how long it is). and the second time was just a minute before our lessons ended, it was already somewhere in glorietta and i almost hit the rear of a taxi. both times he did not raise his voice... man, i admire that kind of patience.

so that last handbrake incident depressed me a bit. i felt like a lost in some sort of game and i think the last time i felt something like that is when i played my best character in DoTA and we ended up losing. the only thing that is cheering me up a bit is thinking that there are still some guys my age who don't really know how to drive yet (sino nga ba? if you are one of those guys, please let me know and make me happy). i am competitive and i am taking this very seriously... i will not lose! now.. i wonder if my father would let me take measurements and draw lines on the hood of his Vios so i would have a better perspective of that front side from the driver's seat. i guess that would be my project this weekend.

to my best friend

15 years ago, our fathers, who were both very proud but probably bored of having to accompany their daughters through high school enrollment, were the first ones to strike up a conversation with each other. and that's when i met her. she gave me a big smile and i immediately felt at ease with her. i knew i met my first friend in high school. we have been through so much together. moments that were full of laughter, some with tears. we had our share of fights and misunderstandings. but in the end, she has always been there for me. and she has been a better friend to me than i have been to her. i cried when she had her first boyfriend. and i cried on her wedding day. i was afraid things would change and they did. but she will always be one of my best friends. i love her and i miss her every day. thank you for always being there for me in the last 15 years, faye! and here's to 15 more years (and more) of friendship.

my murtaugh list

last thursday, i was out with my friend Richie. while we were hanging out at Nuvo to supposedly have dessert, we had to discuss if we should get drinks as well. now this is worth mentioning since before i turned 28, going out with Richie would automatically involve alcohol (he's my most B.I. friend ever. :P). the reason is, as i've explained to him, i am trying to stop (or at least minimize) drinking. i just feel like i'm past that phase anymore. the drinking then getting woozy, then being so embarrassingly loud, then sometimes throwing up, then waking up with a really bad headache and weird tummy --- that does not sound as fun as it was before. and maybe it's just coincidence or it's really what made me realize it, but the last time i experienced all these was the day before my 28th birthday. so now, when a party or event involves shots (or at least pure dosages) of alcohol, i try not to drink at all (it would be harder to stop then). "so it's like you're too old for that stuff..." well, maybe? i don't know. i'm not saying i will never drink again, but i'm trying not to get drunk again. and then something ironic happened. when i got home, i watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother which turned out to be the "Murtaugh" episode. it's about Ted having a list of "i'm too old for this shit" stuff. taking it as a challenge, Barney took Ted's Murtaugh list and made a bet with Ted that he will do every thing on that list within the next 24 hours. in the end, Barney lost the bet. but Ted realized that even though Roger Murtaugh kept complaining that he was too old to be doing all that stuff, he ended up doing four Lethal Weapon movies and just kept doing more stuff every time. i know there comes a time in your life when you're expected to act your age and be an adult. but it was also fun when you were younger and just cared a bit less about the consequences, right? so maybe once in a while, it will be healthy for the heart to re-experience those silly stuff on your Murtaugh list. what do you think? i've got five items right now on my list. now, if you can suggest something that would belong to a Murtaugh list, i would like to take five more. then i'll try to do them all before June ends. any ideas? :D

quickie

i'm such an internet-slave. 3 days without it and i was having withdrawal symptoms. i even chose to pay HK$100 for 4-hours worth of surfing. bah! this vacation is too tiring to be called a vacation. i will be needing another vacation after this. preferably something that does not involve or require doing touristy stuff. staying in my condo for the next three days would be enough. but still, i'm having fun. and i don't think i have spent much yet, except for food! but then again, i haven't been to HMV (DVD store) yet. i'm too sleepy. my eyes are already closing as i type this. so disappointed that i have not caught up with everything i missed in the last 3 days yet. and i think i still have 2 hours or HK$50 to burn. oh well... publish, before i drift to dreamland...

do i really have to put a title? i can't think of anything. hmmm...

It seems like my last post gave a sort-of wrong impression to those who have read it. Sorry about that. I am very thankful for all the kind words and support my friends have given me. But seriously, i am okay. :D I actually made a lighthearted intro for that blog to set the mood. But the blog itself was already too long, so i removed it (and it was nonsense anyway). The last post is just what it is -- a look back on life and a check on who i have become. And i was hoping also it would help people understand me better. I think i should help as much as i can on that aspect, it's pretty darn hard to get me. Hehe! I was over-thinking, as i said. It's my new hobby. Anyway... moving on. :D ------------------------------------ So, one of the results of my over-thinking is the resolution to be more available and spend more time with my friends. I think that was just put on the test when yesterday i invited my friends jae, jem and jam to go out and they responded by inviting me to watch a johnoy and kakoy gig in route 196, which is in Katipunan! Well, if you know me, then you know that it'll take some convincing to make me leave the comforts of Makati. But yesterday, i did not even hesitate. (naks!) Also, i just have to find out what really is the deal with johnoy and kakoy! I've been hearing a lot about them especially from my pisay friends. There was this one time when all my Soupagetti bandmates went to watch their gig somewhere down south -- where they DID NOT invite me by the way(!) though i doubt i would have come anyway if they did. Then the next day at band practice they were all talking about it, especially the free truffles they got at the end due to kakoy or johnoy. I hate being out of place... and there were FREE truffles, come on... Anyway. There i was with my boys at route 196, with jonas and alekos joining us later that evening. I very much enjoyed the gig. Johnoy really has a very good voice, and Kakoy is just ridiculous on the guitars! There was this song they played after 'Lightning Crashes' which i really liked. So [for the nth time that night] i asked the guys what is the title of the song or who sang it and they were as clueless as i was. It turns out, it was one of their original songs. Enjoy Johnoy and Kakoy's "Waltz in D". Thanks to jem ("weird na yung title is "waltz in d", especially since key of g yung kanta!") for finding the video for me. :D ------------------------------------ The toast last night was "mabuhay ang mga single". But i would like to offer a toast also to all my married girl friends. Happy mother's day sweeties! *hug* Hanging out with the boys was fun. But it's not the same without my girls. I miss you everyday. :)

reflection

i am 28 years old and most of the time i feel old. i have always thought that at 28, i'd be "retired" from work and would be moving on to my dream vocation. when i was younger, i did not dream of becoming a doctor, or someone powerful. i dreamed of becoming a housewife. i took engineering in college because i did not want to be stuck in an office cube for at least 8 hours a day. but in the end i chose software over hardware. i did not dream of climbing the corporate ladder. but i have always been very competitive. i have my weak points but generally, i think i am smart. i take pride in having attended and surviving the best schools in the country. i have been accused of having a "superiority-complex". sometimes, i think i really do. my dream career would be something related to performance arts or entertainment. i love to dance but is disappointed that i did not really pursue it and did not improve. i am frustrated of having only the skills to learn a lot of the basics, but not have the capacity to excel at anything. i am single right now. i am not looking, but i am waiting for him to come. i am a coward. i am afraid of many things, like the dark or of heights or taking risks. but i am most afraid of being alone. i can overcome my fears if i have someone to push me and who believes in me. i have trust issues, which sometimes translates to commitment issues. i have fallen in love with several boys and men, but i would only admit and own up to two. i believe that my past relationships failed because deep in my heart i did not believe they would succeed. i believe that i would still meet the love of my life, and then i wouldn't have to hold back. i find it harder to express love to the people i love most. i love my friends and family. but it's them who i take for granted the most. i don't remember being able to look into someone's face or eyes and tell them i love them even if i really mean it, even if they were asleep. when forced to admit my emotions in public, i get defensive by getting angry. i have a bad temper, and i have the tendency to be carried away by my emotions. i can be quite mean, but i really want to become a better person. i would like to try to stop swearing. and i will never ever smoke again even just to prove a point. i want to have faith and believe. i have several personalities, and what comes out depends on who i am with. i tend to over-think a lot of things, which is why i usually find it hard to sleep at night. most of the time, i would like to escape. but i'm more afraid of facing the consequences later on. i am currently lost, and confused. i am tired. i will sleep.

okay, i'm in a better mood now

i miss my friends so much. and it's been great that i got to spend some time with them last weekend. spent saturday afternoon watching wolverine and playing bowling with my college friends dennis, kiko, trishah and her husband john. then i met up with jae at starbucks to just talk. i met up with ria yesterday and we had a great time at The Spa. when i got home i spent like 4 hours talking on the phone with luz. i missed some sleep but it was well worth it. quarter-life/mid-life crisis is temporarily on hold. :D -------------------------------------------------- i'm supposed to be leaving for hongkong next week. but due to the swine flu pandemic, my brother is now suggesting we reschedule it. i don't know if we will or what. but have you seen this??? -------------------------------------------------- oh, and i'll be returning the rock band later to my friend. so good bye to swollen hands now. i should probably go home early and say good bye to it "properly". but this is interesting for those rock band addicts! this is your chance to shine! :D

i want to hear your story

i want to hear about your past --- your favorite childhood memory, the greatest lesson you have learned, your most embarrassing moment, your first love, the reason why you cried last time. i want to hear how you are doing now. are you happy with your life? do you feel loved? what's making you sad? what are you thinking? i want to hear about your future --- yours plans, your goals and ambitions, your dream. i want to know what are the things that made you who you are right now. and i want to know where you are going after this. i want to know you. and so i'll be waiting here for you to drop by so you can tell me the story of your life. and i promise i will listen.

arrrrrrgh!

i want to blog about a lot of things, got tons to say. but when i start writing about it, it always does not come out right. ah, frustrating! i have such a messy train of thought.

can't sleep

my sleeping pattern is so messed up. it started last week when i kept staying up late (my own fault really), and then having to wake up early to be not late for work. i'm really making an effort this time to not be late. that and i usually have meetings scheduled at 9 or 10 in the morning. and then on Friday night, my friend Lino brought his Rockband to the apartment. we played until 5 or 6 in the morning so i slept until 2p in the afternoon. and that's what did it for my body clock. right now i feel like it's only around midnight, but the sun is about to come out soon. ----------------------------------------- so Lino was willing to lend me his Rockband until next weekend. i think this is his way of convincing me to buy one also, so he can borrow another guitar when he needs one. hehehe! but that is fine with me! i played so much drums this night though that my hand is sort of swollen. maybe i'll just play the guitars next time. ----------------------------------------- anyway, the reason i've been staying up late these past few days is because of a guy... he sure can dance, he plays the piano, he can be silly and funny, and he writes. i'm not in love WITH him. but it's the idea of him that i am in love with (does that make sense to you? i hope so.) but it makes me wonder if people like him grow on this side of the world. for some reason it makes me think of that line Jae quoted on his blog: "the world is too big for love to be real." so i'm becoming more cynical and believing in it more every day. hehehe! ----------------------------------------- anyway, i'm starting to lose the ability to type, and think. or maybe the typing is due to the swollen fingers. but that's it for now. i will lie down, try to sleep, and think if i should move to California, in that order. good night (or morning) world!

panaginip

cast:

• Jam, Luz, Allen and Angel
• ET, J and Mapet
• another ex-officemate
• Gev from So You Think You Can Dance Season 4
• Piolo Pascual

setting:

• a school... i think a dance school

the story:

• i have a boyfriend named Jap or Jaz who is supposed to be one of the SYTYCD Top 5 guys. he is almost blind
• we had a fight. i cried. he used the line "i think i'm just a curiosity to you" and i remember thinking "wtf! this is from the movie i was watching last night!". and i said "that's not how i feel!" which is also a line from that same movie (can you guess the movie?)
• there was some sort of graduation going on in the school where girl scouts of all levels were there
• there was room with Luz, Angel and Mapet. i went there with my boyfriend and i asked for tissue to blow my nose
• my boyfriend was sent to the principal's office for entering the girl's room
• i waited by the school entrance and had a talk with ET about... umm... work
• we saw Gev in a waiting shed and i asked him what he was doing at school when it's supposed to be summer vacation and he's supposed to be in Russia
• Jam, Luz and Allen were there also in the waiting shed
• Gev said he had a fight with his boyfriend so he wasn't able to leave
• Jam drove Gev's car from the waiting shed to the school entrance. i thought "does Jam have a driver's license?"
• I asked Gev who else in the SYTYCD guys are gay. he mentioned some names. i asked him if Jap/Jaz was gay and he said no. i said, "well that's good to know since he's my boyfriend"
• Gev mentioned that ***** was gay, where ***** is the name of an old officemate of mine. i was so surprised that i said very loudly "***** is gay?!?!"
• ET and J were laughing because i didn't know. they knew
• five seconds later, ***** was there. he gave me a look that he heard what i said. he was with Piolo
• i got tense. i was so embarrassed and scared
• then a lot of people approached Gev. one by one, they gave him shots of vodka and tequila, etc. which he cannot decline. he must drink them all. it's like he was being punished for what he told me. i was just beside him and i wanted to take the drinks for him but i can't
• the whole time, Piolo was giving us dagger looks. i could see his reflection in the window i was facing
• i thought "where the hell is my boyfriend?!? we have to get out of here!"
• i started to panic... really panic
• then i thought "isn't this a dream? i'm probably dreaming."

and i woke up.

every thing started once upon a time, long long ago...

... and if that was really the end, well it was indeed a "happily ever after" ending. i think the best thing for me really is seeing them all together on stage and having fun. of course the performance and the songs were a big bonus, but i would always love their music. unlike the last reunion concert, this one had more "life". they were talking to the audience. they were talking to each other. and sobrang kukulit nila! unlike the last one, eto parang hindi pilit. hindi parang binayaran lang talaga sila para mag-perform. it seems like they were there, playing music together, because they REALLY want to! nakakaiyak sa tuwa. my fave moments are:

• marcus's version of "Huwag mo na itanong"
• raim's performance of "Slo mo". syempre sobrang kinilig ako dun sa part na nagtabi sila ni ely and nag-a-act sila in slow motion
• ely's performance of "Kailan". sobrang nakaka-in love and i especially like yung singit na "i love you too, pare" na hirit (which i have to thank mapet's friend for. hehe!)
• their performance of "Superproxy" followed by the chorus of "Kaleidoscope World" as tribute to FrancisM. it was very sad and touching moment...
• nakakaiyak din marinig yung "Minsan". i hope that's how they feel about it each other now, at the very least.
• the "group hug" of sorts in the end

my only regret is not getting the 5k VIP ticket. that extra 2k would have been worth it! if i could have my birthday wish, then that wish would be for them to play music again together. hindi kelangang concert, hindi kelangang as "eraserheads". but i think they appear together so often in gigs with their new bands anyway, they could always call on each other and perform/have fun on stage. they do that usually already with other people in the industry, so why not with each other. i wish they have that kind of relationship back. but anyway... right now, i would really want to hug each of them and thank them for that wonderful saturday night. it brought me back to the best years of my life. salamat sa soundtrack ng buhay ko na ginawa nyo. i love you, mga pare!

the birthday blog

first of all, thanks to everyone who greeted me through text or email or facebook. and thanks to everyone who took the time to celebrate my birthday with me. :) so for those who were asking or just curious, my birthday celebration is going well so far. and no, the celebration itself is not yet over... it always takes me a whole week to "celebrate". :D unlike last year (and though i wanted to), i was not able to have a birthday party this year. mostly because my birthday fell on the worst day of the week, which is Monday. i cannot celebrate the weekend before because i have a wedding to attend to. and i cannot celebrate the weekend after because i'll definitely be spending that time in MOA watching the Eraserheads concert. another reason is i already spent my birthday party budget to buy gifts for myself. selfish, i know. hihihi! :D but even party-less, a lot of things happened/will happen this week that's making me happy:

• my birthday celebration with my college friends last Saturday (after the wedding we attended). for a while now, i know the rule that you should NEVER drink more than 1 type of hard liquor if you want to avoid humiliation (especially not tequila AND vodka!). but for some reason, i keep forgetting that rule when i'm drinking with friends. so since my 26th birthday celebration with these guys, i always end up getting sooooo drunk.
• finally was able to bring my family to Contis last Sunday for my birthday celebration as well. antagal ko na sila gusto pakainin dun eh.
• dinner with my pisay friends on Monday night. compared to my college friends, my high school friends are the "wholesome" ones. no drinks, just a lot of food but i had so much fun as well.
• the gifts! so far i got a necklace from my parents, headphones from J, DVD of the movie 21 from Ria, and DVD of Wall-e plus Marvel 1602 comics from Jam and Luz (and Allen?). Update: I also got pretty flowers and a new Wii game from my friend Richie. Weee!
• Nox came for a visit (from the US) and he bought a Wii for me! so i got my Wii for only half the price!
• my boots will be delivered tomorrow! i'm so excited. :D Update: they came today and they are nice! i can't wait for the next pair. :D
• i'm watching "I Love You Because" on Friday. yay! i already missed a lot of plays last year so i'm not missing this one.
• and of course there's the Eraserheads Final Set on Saturday!

work is still stressful as always and i'm really trying to keep myself in a good mood. it has not been too hard for this week though since there's a lot of things around to lift me up. (there's been some "bad news" earlier though, but i think that deserves a different blog post). oh, and my birthday wish? i just want to be really happy. i don't want to be a robot anymore. heheh! :) now then, it's time to get serious and grow up.

birthday wish list

1. a masquerade party 2. winning lotto ticket 3. vacation trip to Europe 4. ticket to singapore to watch the Cats show 5. a condo which i don't have to rent 6. wiii 7. wiii games 8. DVDs 9. revolving DVD rack 10. good surprises!

awwww...

found this in mapet's blog (will ask which site to credit): i really like it. but i think i still won't go with java programmers. hehehhe! :D

question #2

masaya ka ba sa buhay mo? either mas masaya ka lang, or mas hindi ka masaya.

i'm so confused...

... about shoes! mapet showed me this site last week. the items are not too expensive, and they have a lot of sizes available. and since i've been looking for flat suede boots for the longest time, it was perfect. so about every day, i check the site and "decide" on what to get. i ask for details and stuff, and when i'm about to settle on a pair (ergo fill up the order form), they post a lot of new good stuff and my resolution is gone. sigh.. if only my mom did not bring me up to be paranoid, i probably bought at least 2 pairs already. but i'm worried that i am ordering too much of something that i have not seen or touched yet (therefore i have no "real" assessment of the quality). and i'm not even sure if i'm ordering the right size. damn it! but i'm definitely getting at least one and i'm justifying it as a birthday gift for myself. :D at some point in the past few days, i've "decided" to buy this, or this (or the tobacco color) or this. i also like this new arrival but i'm not sure if i could walk on them. you guys have any suggestions? :D ---------------------------------- madami pa sana ako gusto sabihin at i-blog, pero ika nga ni mapet, magiging isang tipak na naman ng updates ito. at tinatamad na ako, so next time na lang. wala rin naman akong ibang social life to talk about eh. heheh! hi kat! thanks for dropping by. hehehe! :D