reflection

i am 28 years old and most of the time i feel old. i have always thought that at 28, i'd be "retired" from work and would be moving on to my dream vocation. when i was younger, i did not dream of becoming a doctor, or someone powerful. i dreamed of becoming a housewife. i took engineering in college because i did not want to be stuck in an office cube for at least 8 hours a day. but in the end i chose software over hardware. i did not dream of climbing the corporate ladder. but i have always been very competitive. i have my weak points but generally, i think i am smart. i take pride in having attended and surviving the best schools in the country. i have been accused of having a "superiority-complex". sometimes, i think i really do. my dream career would be something related to performance arts or entertainment. i love to dance but is disappointed that i did not really pursue it and did not improve. i am frustrated of having only the skills to learn a lot of the basics, but not have the capacity to excel at anything. i am single right now. i am not looking, but i am waiting for him to come. i am a coward. i am afraid of many things, like the dark or of heights or taking risks. but i am most afraid of being alone. i can overcome my fears if i have someone to push me and who believes in me. i have trust issues, which sometimes translates to commitment issues. i have fallen in love with several boys and men, but i would only admit and own up to two. i believe that my past relationships failed because deep in my heart i did not believe they would succeed. i believe that i would still meet the love of my life, and then i wouldn't have to hold back. i find it harder to express love to the people i love most. i love my friends and family. but it's them who i take for granted the most. i don't remember being able to look into someone's face or eyes and tell them i love them even if i really mean it, even if they were asleep. when forced to admit my emotions in public, i get defensive by getting angry. i have a bad temper, and i have the tendency to be carried away by my emotions. i can be quite mean, but i really want to become a better person. i would like to try to stop swearing. and i will never ever smoke again even just to prove a point. i want to have faith and believe. i have several personalities, and what comes out depends on who i am with. i tend to over-think a lot of things, which is why i usually find it hard to sleep at night. most of the time, i would like to escape. but i'm more afraid of facing the consequences later on. i am currently lost, and confused. i am tired. i will sleep.